sigh.

i miss it. i wish it would have gone differently.

blah.

call me crazy, but....

this year for thanksgiving, i am thankful for breaking my wrist and tearing my ACL. these two injuries indirectly led to me quitting volleyball. because i quit volleyball, i was able to go to mississippi this summer [where i am also going back this spring, and possibly after graduation], continue working with campus ministry team, coach junior high volleyball, and develop relationships with people because of the extra time i had this fall.

don't get me wrong- i love volleyball. and i miss it more than i show. but i guess i could probably admit that even when i think i know what's best, God reassures me that He is in control- and He does know what He's doing. even when i don't understand it at the time.

.....thats all.

insert random thoughts.

• 'million dollar baby' is an extremely sad movie, and if i didnt have roommates that constantly make me laugh, then i would have been crying at the end.
• it's amazing how someone can think they understand you so well...when in reality, they really just don't get it.
• i hate being misunderstood.
• for the most part, i get over things extremely quickly--sometimes too quickly.
• ignorant people really really bother me.
• having a friend who asks the questions--and truly cares about the answers--goes a long way.
• music makes me lose control. [that's not true...but it's hard to imagine life without it.]
• i want to travel the world.
• i'm very happy for all you couples who are engaged, but i'm also tired of seeing your adorable engagement pictures. [sarcasm..... kinda]
• it's crazy how quickly life changes.
• it's hard to be excited about something when you know someone else is against it.
• there are a lot of times where i feel as if i simply cannot win.

i'm sorry for not updating this thing more often. i've realized that every time i get the urge to write a post, i feel as if its something that i don't want to share with everyone and their dogs. trust me, i'm not arrogant enough to believe there are really that many people who read this- but for the sake of those who do, i'll keep some of my thoughts to myself.

don't be a spectator today. go out and live.

xoxo

realizations...

i intended to make this a long post with all of the realizations i've had lately, but that might have to wait for another day. in short, these are some of my recent epiphanies:

-i'm a selfish person.

-i have no idea what i want to do with my life.

-someone recently suggested that i join the peace corps after graduation....and i'm seriously considering it.

-i miss mississippi.

-my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses.

-i'm not that bad of a person, even though sometimes i feel like it.

i definitely had more i wanted to add, but andrea and i are off to go play volleyball [we joined an adult league here in OC that starts tomorrow, and figured we should play a little before the first game :)].....expect more later.

love.

denial.

i think i'm in denial of growing up. i realize that i'm supposed to graduate in a little less than 8 months, but for some reason i keep thinking that time is never really going to come. it's not time for me to get a real job and be all grown up, is it?

unfortunately, it is. but thats actually something that makes me both excited and hesitant. i really have no idea what i'm going to be be doing with my life once it becomes may. while i'm graduating with my license in teaching, i don't want to be a teacher [i don't think]. what else would i do though? up until recently, i haven't stressed out about it at all. whether its because i am extremely laid back, because i just have complete trust that God will provide, or because i'm too lazy to actually start making decisions about my future....i have virtually no clue about where my life is heading. and today that kind of hit me--that maybe i need to start working on a resume, searching for jobs, etc. i just know that i suck at making decisions, and i want to just be told where to live and what to do for a job. any suggestions??

on another note, my 7th grade volleyball team is 3-1 for the season. they're studs, and i love being called "coach g" :)

reach out to someone today.

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

well i'm back at northwestern. and it's wonderful. i love seeing my friends, the professors, the campus in general. it's weird to think i'm a senior- i always thought i'd be wiser and more confident in what i'd be doing with the rest of my life at this point. instead, i recently signed up to take golf as a class and i'm watching 'over the hedge' in my room :)

it was my last time packing my car up and moving up here, which is both exciting and depressing. i thought back to when i was a freshman and moved into stegenga hall, room 137 :) most of my family came, i was super excited and also extremely nervous. i was about to become an official college athlete, which made me feel like i was the coolest person ever. its crazy how things have changed. i now know i'm not that cool, and i'm not a college athlete. i've had quite a few people ask me already if i was playing volleyball this year. for those of you who don't know... no, i'm not. i'm on campus early because i'm part of the campus ministry team. which, by the way, is going awesome. its weird not being part of the volleyball team though. i still believe that God called me to come to northwestern, but i wonder what His plans were for me once i got here. did He always intend for me to play volleyball for 3 years and then be part of CMT? i really feel like He opened these doors for me to be where i am today, but was this what He always wanted to see happen?

i really love everyone on CMT. they're not people i would typically interact with or become friends with on campus, but this past week has been absolutely great with getting to know them. i've learned a lot about myself and the type of leader i am, as well as how i work with other people. i'm not gonna lie, i still get discouraged sometimes about who i am. do you ever feel as if you wish you had the personality of someone else? i know i sure do. but after doing some thinking and praying the other day, i was reminded of romans 12:4-8 "Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." so its definitely been encouraging to hear that even though i'm not like sally [changed name], who is the girl that everyone loves to be around and talk with, i am still a vital part of the team and have my own purpose and personality.

on another note, i found out that northwestern will be sending a team to cary christian center over spring break. i really want to lead the team, but i'm not sure if it will work out since i'll be student teaching. but i would absolutely love to go back and see robert, care, ledora, dorsey, irma, etc. oh that would make me so happy :)

last thing: my sister [emily] had her son! his name is asher william and was born this afternoon. emily went through quite a bit and is still in some pain, though, so keep her in your prayers.

love God and love people.

home again, home again, jiggity jig

well i made it home last thursday. i didn't have any problems flying back- with the exception of my suitcase being 2.5 pounds overweight.. but no worries, taking out a laptop will fix that. i even saw erick dampier [from the dallas mavericks] in the jackson airport. i didn't know who he was at first, but i noticed he was quite a bit taller and bigger than absolutely everyone else around us. some random guy shook his hand, and the people around me started whispering, so i asked the two ladies next to me who it was. two days later, i saw kyle korver [utah jazz] at his cousin's wedding. since then, however, the professional basketball players have stopped stalking me.

it's so good to be home. the weather is significantly colder [about 20 degrees difference] but its wonderful to be able to spend time with my family. i truly missed them while i was in mississippi, and i'm grateful for the time we have together [even though we're missing emily, greg, and fetus ford!] but i already miss my friends down in cary. val, ledora, april and i had such a fun time on my last afternoon- taking pictures, dancing, laughing. i've talked to april a few times, and i miss 'my homie.' [for some reason, it seems more natural for her to call me that than when i do] the summer program officially ended yesterday, and april told me that my favorite kid, tyler, impressed everyone with a poem and rap. he's such a stud. she said they did a lot of praise and worship songs, with the kids dancing around and having a good time. even carl [the summer program director] got teary eyed at the end. i don't know what those kids will do for the rest of the summer.. probably walk down to the center, play baseball, spend the entire day outside in the heat because there's nothing else to do. i'll miss them knocking on our door and asking for a popsicle or if we can come out and have a water balloon fight. i even miss being referred to as 'miss rachel' all the time. which reminds me, one of my kids asked me last week what my first name was. i kind of gave him a confused look and said, you know what my name is. and he said, 'your name is miss rachel, but what's your first name?' i said rachel was my first name. he then tried to convince me that rachel was my last name, because they call all their teachers miss whatever-their-last-name-is. i just laughed and said my last name was gosselink. he kinda looked towards the ceiling, thought for a moment, and replied with, "i think ill stick to calling you 'miss rachel'." :)

as hard as it was leaving, i am grateful for the experience i had in cary and how God revealed Himself to me through the people down there. but now im back in urbandale, and greatly appreciate my time with the family. and even the opportunity to fill in for my high school coach at their volleyball open gyms- which is where i'm off to now :)

happy wednesday! everyone go make a new friend today.

the last days...

its been exactly six weeks since i've gotten here. and now i'm leaving in shortly over 24 hours.. i don't know where the time went. i have lots of things that i'm looking forward to once i get home, but it really does make me sad to leave this place. i've developed relationships, some that i hope to continue, while not being sure if i'll ever see these people again. i am extremely grateful for each of them and their love and willingness to open their houses, lives and hearts to us.

geri and i went to mt. burlia for church on sunday, which is where robert and his family go. we got there shortly before 11, close to when sunday school was ending. the service didn't end up starting til close to 1130 [which we didn't know beforehand], and i think we left the building at 1:45. pretty typical down here :) the services at trinity are gonna fly by when i'm back in orange city! anyway, one of the things the pastor preached on was about God providing all of our needs- not necessarily our wants. sometimes we may think we know what we want, but God has something different planned. for example, you may think you want some fancy car [i would give an example, but i know nothing about cars..] but in reality, God has blessed you with a way of transportation that gets you from point a to point b... which is all we truly need. i'm also guessing most of us would not turn down one million dollars. but if you really had that money, would you be where are you are today? honestly think about it. i don't think i would be in cary, mississippi. why would i? but i'm so glad i am! it really just kinda hit me. sure, its natural to want that shirt you saw in the mall. or you want to update your cell phone and get the more advanced one. i don't think it's bad to want those things.... but you have to remember to be thankful for how God has blessed you, and He HAS provided you with the necessities to survive. how often do we take those items for granted?

i've had a couple issues with a few of the first graders this week. maybe i'm just completely ignorant and think too positively sometimes, but i was surprised with how these boys acted with one another. as soon as i walked in the classroom yesterday, tayvion punched brandon in the face. i was furious. while i was talking to tayvion, brandon ended up slapping trevion in the face. soon after, while i was talking to brandon, trevion hit tayvion. it was a full circle! i really didn't know how to respond or how to handle the situation. in the end, we all calmed down and i think were okay. they entered class today as best friends [typical boys- fight, get it over with, and move on :)] but 10 minutes into class, they were throwing fists again. we started discussing on whether or not its okay to fight. i had talked with some of the kids earlier this summer about this, and the little ones gave me the same response today. they told me that they had been taught if someone hits you, you hit them back- but harder. if someone pushes you, you push them back harder. that's what their parents are teaching them. for me, i was raised in a home full of love. i was never spanked or physically punished for anything. [although my sisters were, i believe- maybe that just says something about me as a child? :) just kidding... i definitely had/have my rebellious moments!] but it is so different down here. and not saying it's not the same in other parts of the country- i understand that it is. it just breaks my heart to know what kind of family life some of these kids are going back to at the end of the day. i have a kindergartner in class, whose name is marcus. he is always gazing off, without showing any signs of knowing whats going on around him. at first, he seems like a very quiet and adorable little boy. but he's tricky- he randomly kicks people, hits people, steals things from them. and then he'll kinda cry as if he's the victim. or just sits there, looking confused. charlotte, one of my co-workers, and i kinda joke around about his dazed expressions and his attitude. you can try talking to him, explaining whats good behavior and whats not, but we know he's not really listening. well, i had another co-worker tell me today that marcus's mom did drugs while she was pregnant and still does them now, which is why he is the way he is. talk about making me feel guilty!! i still think he needs to be held accountable for his actions, but that definitely made me rethink how i respond to him. the chances are good that as soon as he leaves our summer program, he goes back home to a mom on drugs and doesn't show any attention to him, or at least not positive attention. and the sad thing is, i know that's not uncommon.

i had another first grader walk up to me today and say hi. he wasn't at program yesterday, so i asked where he was. he told me his daddy died, and he was at the funeral. it broke my heart to hear that. we also had a puppet show this morning with some of the volunteers who are here this week. they were teaching the kids joshua 1:9 "have i not commanded you? be strong and courageous. do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." their leader [meg] started asking the kids if they've ever felt discouraged and if they wanted to share one of those times. probably four or five kids explained they are sad because they don't see their mom and/or dad. meg said she was the same, and she missed her parents while she was in mississippi for the week. what she didn't understand.... what a lot of us don't understand... is that these kids weren't talking about not seeing their mom or dad for a couple days, or even a week. some have died, some moved out, others have never really existed in their child's lives.

my mom has always encouraged me to remember that everyone has a story. while i've heard that many times, and always believed it, it hasn't always changed how i treat people. i encourage you to remember that every person you come encountered with has some type of background that gives reason to who they are today. you may see them as a self-centered individual, always creating preposterous stories- in reality, they may not receive any attention at home and strive for it on other places. another person may come across as a jerk, always being mean to those around them- maybe this is the only way they've witnessed people treating each other. don't judge them based on outward appearance or the personality they seem to have...there's usually more going on that we don't see.

love.

our trio's down to two.

well amanda is officially back up north, leaving just me and geri to hold the fort down in cary. it's only been one night without our third member, but still quite sad- so aj, if youre reading this... i miss you! but excited to see you in 7 days :)

anyway, so much for writing in this thing every day. my bad. this week went relatively fast, considering last week we really only worked 2 and a half days. the kids are behaving well for the most part- its crazy how if i say 'simon says to be quiet' they listen much better than me just telling them :) i think one of my sweetest moments with the kids came a few days ago. i was playing with sidewalk chalk with my second graders, and they all started to sing a song i didn't know. the words went: 'He's the one who makes the sun shine, He's the one who puts the moon in the sky, He's the one who hung the stars, one by one. He's the one who makes the birds sing, He's the one who makes your dreams so high, He's the one who makes me smile, day by day.' there was more to it, but i recorded them singing that part on my phone. they then broke out into 'Jesus loves me' and wanted me to record that also. i still have it saved if anyone wants to hear it.... it just brought me so much joy :) i also got to go on the field trip with my 3-6th graders yesterday. we went roller skating and it was so fun! i ended the day without breaking a bone, so that made it even more successful! i think i had about 20+ kids ask me before we left if i would skate with them or teach them how, and it was fun to watch them make progress during the morning. the skating rink played a lot of michael jackson, which made all of the kiddies super excited- i loved watching them sing and dance to songs like thriller!

one of the other teachers asked me yesterday when i was leaving and if i would be back. while i'm really looking forward to going home and everything that will consist of, i do wish i could stay a little longer and go on the last two field trips with the kids. i'm also really starting to wonder where i will be a year from now. even though the entire nation is increasing in obesity, mississippi is the leading state for the fifth year in a row. and i can totally understand why! they fry all their food, eat way too much of it, and then don't work out. the kids are pretty active when they're younger, but even at that age- it's way too hot outside to consistently exercise, and there's no gym around to work out inside. i would love to see some type of fitness center open in this area, and to start classes and groups for people of all ages to join. dorsey [my co-director] told me a few days ago that someone came to CCC within this past year with plans to open a gym/fitness center, but they didn't feel equipped to take on this challenge. he still has the plans, however, and just needs someone to take it as their responsibility. maybe thats me? i dont know! i really have no idea if my future includes me in the mississippi delta, but i do believe it is an area of concern and could use prayer and support.

please pray that i will make the most of my time i have left in cary, and that i continue to develop relationships with the people in this area. you are all a blessing to me and i look forward to seeing some of you [if not all] when i return :)

10 days remaining

its so hard for me to realize that 10 days from now, ill be back in urbandale. back to the comfortable life ive lived for so long. not like im roughing it down here- my house has air conditioning, a flat screen tv, wireless internet, etc. but back to my life where i dont have to question what kind of home situation the people i interact with have. back to a nice neighborhood, where not only do people live in houses and not trailers, but theyre extremely nice houses. away from the place where everyone is related to each other somehow, away from diminishing dreams, abusive households, teenage mothers, racial tension. sure, we experience some of that in our safe place of urbandale, iowa. but its not the same as down here. a few weeks ago, i had a friend ask me if there was still racial differences here in mississippi. i told him yes, and shared the story of elizabeth perkins [a black woman], who couldnt get a best buy worker to locate her receipt for her. when andrew [a white man] called, however, the worker had no problem getting hold of it. andrew wasnt related to elizabeth and the receipt wasnt for him, but he could get the receipt right away. and then i shared how there are streets and houses here in cary, where you can tell which color of family lives there. just this past weekend, my roommates and i went to texas. while there, another friend asked about the racial tension in mississippi. amanda and geri shared some information that i hadnt heard yet. apparently there are no white students in the 600+ public school, which consists of 2 counties. there are also no black students in the private school, which has a significantly better education. churches will give out scholarships to go to the private school, but those clearly only go to white kids. a lot of the teachers in the public school are white, but they only work there because the benefits are better- and even they send their kids to the private school. once the teachers retire, they'll go and work at the private school. and of course the churches are pretty much completely segregated still. doesnt seem like america, does it?

i get excited when i think about going home. im looking forward to seeing my friends, spending time with my sisters and brother in law, hanging out with my parents, playing with my dog. but i get SO afraid of forgetting what ive learned. becoming ignorant of what i've seen and experienced. the mississippi delta is an amazing place, and i know God is working in it. there are many days when it seems hopeless and as if no progress is being made. but God is faithful, and He always provides. but once im back in urbandale, or back to my busy college life, will i remember these faces? will i remember jaylen, jakorren, lyndarius, or tyler? what about the middle school girls, who i fear could become pregnant any day? will they all just become a distant memory?

"i want to go to iowa with you!"

yes, the title of this entry comes from my favorite kid, tyler. he's in 5th grade [maybe 6th?] and i absolutely love him. along with his friend artilus, the two of them quickly approved of me and gave me a hug every time they walked into my class. i was pretty impressed, considering they were kinda getting to that age where they're 'too cool' and usually dont act as if they like their teachers. anyway, i was really sad last week when it was my last day having them in class. they gave me hugs and said they'd miss me, etc. i asked tyler if he lived in cary, because if he did, he should stop by our house sometime so i can go outside and play with him. unfortunately, he lives in anguilla, which is about 15 minutes north of cary. well it so happens that he was staying with his cousin tonight in cary, and i saw him playing outside next to our house. we got to hanging out, took a few pictures together [finally!], and talked about his day. when i asked him how it went, he replied with: "sad because i didn't get to see my favorite teacher." he also got really sad when we discussed me leaving in a couple weeks, and he told me he wants to go to iowa with me. when i said i would love that and i could sneak him into my back pack to fly home with me, he said "rachel! i'm not joking, i really want to go with you!" its moments like those that i remember why i'm here...


today was relatively busy. we begin each day with staff devotions at 8:00, and classes start around 8:45. i started the morning with the pre-k and kindergartners, and by the time i was with the 2nd graders, they seemed very mature! overall the day was a pretty typical one- played 'mother may i?', 'what time is it, mr fox?' and 'steal the bacon.' in the afternoon, i worked on some math and reading with the middle school boys, as well as played basketball with them. yes.... my job is wonderful. and its okay to be jealous :) some of the women that work at cary christian center have also started doing a 6 week dvd bible study led by priscilla shirer, beth moore and kay arthur, so we had that this evening. the homework isn't too intense but still requires time every day, and i love meeting with the other women once a week.. its been a huge blessing. there was a community meeting after our bible study, which was pretty neat. around 35 people from the town showed up, and it was neat to see how the people want to take steps towards organizing and developing cary into a 'better' community. they made a list of things they want to improve upon or add to the town, and it consisted of items such as health and wellness, employment, community center, recreation, beautification, etc. there will hopefully be committees created at the next meeting so more specific steps can be taken. please keep this community in your prayers!


i don't think i mentioned this in my first post, but i got to go fishing last night! i said one time i had never gone before, so robert [a man who works in the volunteer ministry at ccc] offered to take geri, amanda, and i out fishing with him and his wife sometime before we left. we drove to lake washington, which is about 30 minutes away from cary- and absolutely beautiful! unfortunately i didn't catch anything [robert and his wife both caught catfish], i can officially say i've been fishing :) check that one off the list!

i'll try to post again tomorrow and add a few more details as to some of the thoughts i've had and other things we've done these past 4 weeks. until then- life is good and God is good.

bless and be blessed.

new blog- yay! i'm going to add all the details [about me, maybe a new template, etc] later but i'm just excited to finally start journaling about my experience here in mississippi. there's already been so much that i've learned and had to process so far, and while ive been down here for 4 weeks and only have 2 and a half left.... better late than never, right? :)

this first entry will just be a quick overview because as i've learned this past month, i need sleep at night! while my job is fun, i'm pretty tired by the end of the day. anyway, let me give a background of what i'm even doing this summer for those of you who don't know. i am doing a 6[ish] week internship at the cary christian center in cary, mississippi. it is an extremely small community that is north of jackson. the whole process of me coming here started early on this past year [sometime around february i think]. after a long chain of events, i ended up having a few different discussions with dave nonnemacher, an amazing faculty member at northwestern, who visited cary with a few other fellow northwesterners. he encouraged me to do a vocare internship, sponsored by the lilly grant, and he strongly believed cary was the right place for me. i didnt have any definite plans for the summer and had just kinda been waiting for God to place something before me, and before i knew it, this is what He had given me. and because i am who i am, i agreed to do this internship without looking into it very much. i found out later that amanda maloney and geri genant [2 girls who just graduated from nwc] were also coming down here- geri accepted a full time job at CCC for 1-2 years, and amanda is completing this internship with the possibility of staying and finding a job for the next year. i have been so grateful for their friendship and having them as roommates!

anyway, the internship is focused on christian community development- ccda.org for more info :) it is an amazing concept, introduced by john perkins, and consists of truly living with the poor and becoming part of their community [that is probably the briefest and most vague definition i could give you]. cary is a town of only about 300 people, with many of them being african americans living in poverty. while i'm here, i will be working at the summer program and leading a recreation/phys ed/fitness class- perfect for me! my first 3 weeks were with the 3rd-6th graders and my last 3 weeks [beginning tomorrow] are with the pre k-2nd graders. i also spend my afternoons with the middle school guys and girls. there are probably about 200 kids in the program, all who i will have in class by the end.. and let me tell you, there are some very unique names to learn!

without going into much details, ill explain what else we've been doing while down here. amanda and i arrived on june 2 [geri had been here for a few days already] and the first weekend we spent here in cary, relaxing and enjoying our beautiful home given for us to use this summer [an elderly couple actually lives here 9 months out of the year, but go back to south dakota during the hot summer months- the house was just finished being built in may, and they graciously are allowing us to live here until they get back!]. the summer program started on june 8.. the second weekend, the 3 of us girls went to new orleans and long beach/gulfport to visit some friends and enjoy a wonderful day at the beach. the next weekend was in jackson, where we attended a rally and then a strategic meeting for what actions to take in the delta [led by john perkins- he rode with us from the rally to jackson, which took a couple hours. quick facts about jp: his mom died of starvation, his brother died of a racial situation, he has almost been beaten to death multiple times in his life, and he has every reason to hate white people- yet he loves all people and loves God more than anyone i've ever met]. and then this past weekend we went back to jackson to meet some friends for a baseball game, and then got more time to relax.

i will definitely expand more on everything that has been going on down here next time i write- which should hopefully be soon! i have 3 things i want to accomplish each day: hip hop abs, my devotions, and now journaling. my roommates are keeping me accountable for the first two, but feel free to help out with the third :) God has blessed me so much while being down here, and i am so grateful for the people i have met and the love of Christ i see in each of them. i have developed a heart for this community... it makes me sad that so many people are unaware of the situations going on in a place like cary. please keep the mississippi delta, particularly cary, in your prayers daily.

love you all!