let us stay young or let us live forever

i graduated from college two days ago. crazy, huh? i have such mixed feelings about it. so bare with me as i ramble on about who knows what- i realize not too many people read this blog, so for those of you who do, i apologize for any ridiculousness i say. and i apologize to the other people who are sitting in friedrich's like me...i might start crying, so i'm sorry if i make you feel awkward.

it's so weird thinking back to when i graduated from high school, and how i was about to embark on a new journey. i was sad to leave home and move up to orange city, but at the same time, i was ready to move on. i was excited to play volleyball again, make a lot of new friends, fall in love with some stunning dutchman, and just live the dream.

freshman year was awesome, and i thought that school couldn't get much better than that. memories include: the 1:00 lunch crew, varsity volleyball, nationals, climbing on top of buildings, perkins runs, my first college boyfriend, etc. i left school that year thinking that i had made all the friends i was ever going to need at northwestern, volleyball was only going to get better, and if i was lucky, my next 3 years at school were going to be just as great as my first.

sophomore year happened, with a lot of drama and figuring out my own identity. halee and i were roommates, but our friendship totally changed, just like a lot of my friendships did that year. one guy and i had our first [of many] DTRs, another guy and i spent wayyyy too many hours fighting, i went to my first college dance, had the best wing for steggy keggy, and our volleyball team made it to the elite 8 at nationals. i lost a lot of friendships and made so many new ones. and then before i knew it, college was half over.

junior year was one of the hardest years of my life. and i think one of the reasons it was so hard was because the people closest to me didn't realize that, or at least i didn't feel as if they tried to help. i had spent the previous summer in orange city with a broken wrist and watching another girl play my position in volleyball. despite the success our team had had my first two years, i always doubted my skills and didn't feel as if i was really that good. and then i broke my wrist and hurt my knee, and was going through a roller coaster of emotions. am i starting this game, am i playing at all, should i get used to the end of the bench? all the doubts i had about my ability was confirmed. so volleyball went terrible for me that year, my friends weren't who i thought they were, and i just felt lost. did anyone know this? probably not. i might have made some of my most fun memories that year, but it was still probably one of the hardest years i've ever had.

senior year. wow. i was convinced that this was going to be a great year- i was living with and around 8 new girls, and i was excited about the possibility of these friendships. and it turned out to be amazing. it was so hard not to play volleyball again, especially since one of my roommates was on the team. but i got through it. i coached a 7th grade team, was part of campus ministry team again, spent the previous summer in mississippi, went back down there over spring break, etc. i look back on this past year and cannot believe at how fast it went. i still struggled with a lot. i still made some mistakes--plenty of them. but there were also so many good things. endless nights at p's, watching friends, p90x, cooking dinner together, student teaching, etc. i've had some great friends over the years, but i've never really felt like i had a solid group of girl friends. and first the first time in my life, i knew i had that. kait, jamie, jen, mel, andrea.. you girls are some of the best people i know. brian, stephen, dan.. 7:00 breakfasts were never the same when you weren't there. my soccer boys.. you don't know this, but i love you guys so much. lee.. our friendship is so messed up but so awesome, and i miss you already. mirae, sarah, amy.. thank you for letting me invade on your apartment gatherings :) i love you girls. and there's so many more people. sometimes i don't understand all my random friendships, but i love them. and now i had to move on and leave the place that i loved so much for 4 years. it's not fair.

but life isn't over. as cheesy as it sounds, a new chapter of my life is about to begin. and on one hand, i'm really excited about that. and on the other? it sucks. it sucks a lot.