jumbled thoughts.

so i considered making this post private, and then i was going to just spill everything that was on my mind. because i don't do that enough...i know i have a lot jumbled together up there, but i don't always sort through it. and the best way for me to do that is to sit down and write. but i type faster than i write, so this is kind of the best option. but then i couldnt figure out how to make the post private [it's probably very simple and i'm just being an idiot] so i'll edit my thoughts due to the fact that i have an audience...of about two. :)

i go back to work tomorrow, meaning christmas break is officially over. sad day. since i am an adult and in the "real world" now, i should have only had a couple days off, but because my job follows the school calendar, then i had about 12 days off. not quite the same as college, but a good transition. i spent most of the break with my family, which was quite necessary and quite awesome. it's not like we did that much-we rarely do-but we were together. and that's what means the most to me. my high school friends usually give me crap for spending too much time with my family, but i don't really care. for the most part, i become anti-social when my sisters are in town because i don't see them very often. and i love having everyone together. my sisters are my best friends. and every time we're all together, i realize how different we really are from each other. and how certain sides or characteristics come out of me that usually don't when i'm just with my friends. sometimes i like this, sometimes i don't. but it's just GOOD when we're together. plus my niece and nephew are, hands down, the cutest babies ever. i know every aunt would say that, but i think i win. ash is going to grow up to be a good looking, southern gentleman, and adele is going to be a heart breaker with her crazy and fun side. i wish i saw them more, mainly because i recognize that they won't ever know me that well. i'm just going to be the aunt they see twice a year. but i'm going to make sure those two times a year are downright awesome. if you don't believe me, wait and see.

i am currently struggling with trying to not figure out everything in my life. but like i said- i'm struggling. i want to know where i'll be living and what i'll be doing 6-9 months from now. i'll finish out the year working for the teen center, and then what? i'd like to supervise the ymca day camp again, especially because i need a somewhat flexible schedule so i can go to the 816 weddings i have on my calendar. but then i want to do something new and exciting. maybe something that feels slightly more fulfilling. as my friend reminded me tonight, i am doing something good and important with my life. but i don't always feel that way. and i just don't know where to start when it comes to looking for a new job or opportunity. i want to make the most of my time as being a young adult with no commitments holding me down [such as a husband or other relationship]. but i'm also scared and have no faith or confidence in myself to do anything. and i don't know how to change that.

i also wish i could figure out where to take things in regards to relationships. i won't get into details, but basically i wish i could look into the future and see where God takes me. i read into things too much right now, and i just confuse myself.

i feel like referring to proverbs 3:5-6 is too cliche right now, but i think it's what i need to be reminded of. trusting God...because He will make my paths straight...

and i will end with a quote:

"impossible, you consider some things as being impossible. but i tell you, i am the God of impossibilities. nothing is too difficult for me. no mountain is too high nor is any river too wide. let your faith rise to the occasion of what you consider impossible. bring to me those very things and ask of me. see what i will do when you lift me up in prayer, believing that i can do all things. stop placing limits on what you think i can do. remember that i delight in working on your behalf because you are mine and i love you."

new motto.

i met my friend derek's girlfriend last night, and she and i had a nice conversation together. she just got back from traveling through europe for a month, and prior to that she lived in arizona for 4 years. she's back in des moines now, but she talked about how much she wants to travel and experience new things in life right now. she told me that "you don't know if you don't go." and i have decided that that's my new motto for life.

the end.

shopping = no fun

i went shopping from 6-730 this morning, and then again from about 1-415 this afternoon. i think i'm done for the year. if i don't have your gift by now, then i apologize, but my friendship is just going to have to be enough.

happy thanksgiving!!

i love this holiday. it's not my favorite, but i do enjoy it. great food, time with part of my family, and it's the start of great christmas movies and christmas season. plus, everyone celebrates it. i can say "happy thanksgiving!" to anyone i encounter, without worrying about offending them because of race or religion or anything of the sort. so here's to having a fantastic thanksgiving in 2010 :)

i am mainly updating this blog because of a dear friend who has reminded me in a 'friendly' way that i suck at writing in it. so alas, here i am. a few thoughts:

1. i read a quote from the perks of being a wallflower, "we accept the love we think we deserve." when i first read this, i didn't think i agreed. but now i kind of do. i want to date and marry a guy who is a spiritual leader in the relationship, encourages and challenges me in my faith, and all around pure. i have even recently become somewhat interested in a guy that i think could fit these descriptions. but when i'm honest with myself, i don't believe that i deserve him. i don't think i'm good enough. i've made some stupid mistakes in my life, and these are issues that i would need to discuss with the future husband. and i'm afraid he would realize that i'm not good enough for him then. so i think i need to accept a relationship that is more 'fitting' with the lifestyle i have lived up until this point.

2. i'm excited to move out of my parents' house and get an apartment. when this is happening, i don't know. and believe me, i've been extremely grateful for how they've still provided for me and helped me out so much. i just know that i'm naturally someone who will let others take care of me, and unless i'm forced to, i won't act like the adult i'm supposed to be. and right now, i don't feel like a college graduate. this might also be contributed to the lack of 'job' i have. yes, i am employed and receiving a paycheck every two weeks. but i don't feel like i'm using my degree. and i don't know how/when i will fully use it.

3. i really want to control everything in my life right now, but i know God is teaching me to be patient and trust Him. and to pray about things. if i'm not praying, i'm saying i don't need Him. and i really really do.

4. i need to be a more decisive person, as well as less passive. i don't want to be aggressive, just not passive. if that makes sense. and one of these days, i'm going to surprise people by making these changes.

5. i'm thankful.

xoxo

stupid.

i'm over thinking. and i need to stop it. because it doesn't do me any good. i hate over analyzing things, but sometimes i just can't control it.

ugh.

long drive = random thoughts

hello blogging world! i apologize for the extended vacation. but lets be honest, how consistent was i with writing in this thing before? thats right, not consistent at all. and who really reads it anyway? correct, no one. so lets just jump right back into things :)

i just got back from a long weekend in orange city, which provided me with a few hours to let my mind wander. and believe me, it did. so like usual, please excuse my rambling randomness....

first, my weekend. i think the best way to describe it was to say it was bitter sweet. i miss my girl friends soooo much, and up to this point, i am very grateful and thankful for how we've kept in touch and how legitimately excited they appeared to be when i got up to orange city. however, by being up there, i realized how much i'm missing out on this year. and it just sucks. i already felt like those girls meant more to me than i did to them, and now i am confident that i will slowly mean less to them as the year goes on and we don't see each other. they are going to continue living with each other, doing the daily things together, and grow closer as friends. as for me, i will text them often and talk to them on the phone occasionally, but it is far from the same. but despite it all, i loved seeing them and being around them again. it was an odd feeling to be back on nw's campus, but i'm still thankful i could go up there.

i think the other problem is that this whole situation wouldn't suck as much if i had great friends in des moines, but i don't. so that makes it even harder. i have recently been reminded of the quote 'wherever you are, be all there' and i am going to intentionally try to take that to heart. i can't keep focusing on the fact that my friends are in orange city and i am here. the fact is that i AM here, and this is where i need to make the most of my life. i spent most of my night looking up random events in des moines and ways to be involved in the community, and i also emailed a pastor at my new church to ask for opportunities to meet with other recent grads. i know it will take time, but i really need to start developing my life here and creating new memories with new friends.

moving on, another random thought: i have realized recently how much i do want romance to be part of my dating life. i'm not a very high maintenance girl and it doesn't take much to please me, but i really do appreciate it when guys do romantic things for girls. i don't think i've ever really had a very 'romantic' boyfriend before- and it's not a huge deal, but i see how some of my friends' boyfriends/fiances treat them, and i see how special it is.

i was listening to a song by eminem the other day, and it kinda broke my heart thinking about how sad and lost he must be. then i just started thinking about how so many people feel that way. and then i felt completely humbled and grateful that God would open my eyes to Him, and that my life isn't like that.

my friend jenny's cousin was dealing with cancer for a long time. during this time, they had bracelets made for her, and jenny gave one to each of us girls to wear. it was similar to those livestrong bracelets, but it was purple and said 'be joyful in hope.' she probably gave me that bracelet like 8 months ago, and i wore mine every day, even if i was wearing a more 'dressy' outfit. well my bracelet broke not too long ago; ironically, within a couple days of when jenny's cousin passed away. so this weekend i went to life light in sioux falls, and i saw a pretty casual bracelet that said 'hope' on it. i bought it right away. i think i've realized lately how much i want to be a person who believes in that- hope. because if we don't have hope, then what do we have? what are we living for? so i think i am learning more about how to be hopeful, and even more about how to be joyful in that hope.

i have more, but what's the fun if i throw out all my thoughts in one night? perhaps i'll write again soon. with not working until 1:00 every day, you'd think i would have time, right?

love.

let us stay young or let us live forever

i graduated from college two days ago. crazy, huh? i have such mixed feelings about it. so bare with me as i ramble on about who knows what- i realize not too many people read this blog, so for those of you who do, i apologize for any ridiculousness i say. and i apologize to the other people who are sitting in friedrich's like me...i might start crying, so i'm sorry if i make you feel awkward.

it's so weird thinking back to when i graduated from high school, and how i was about to embark on a new journey. i was sad to leave home and move up to orange city, but at the same time, i was ready to move on. i was excited to play volleyball again, make a lot of new friends, fall in love with some stunning dutchman, and just live the dream.

freshman year was awesome, and i thought that school couldn't get much better than that. memories include: the 1:00 lunch crew, varsity volleyball, nationals, climbing on top of buildings, perkins runs, my first college boyfriend, etc. i left school that year thinking that i had made all the friends i was ever going to need at northwestern, volleyball was only going to get better, and if i was lucky, my next 3 years at school were going to be just as great as my first.

sophomore year happened, with a lot of drama and figuring out my own identity. halee and i were roommates, but our friendship totally changed, just like a lot of my friendships did that year. one guy and i had our first [of many] DTRs, another guy and i spent wayyyy too many hours fighting, i went to my first college dance, had the best wing for steggy keggy, and our volleyball team made it to the elite 8 at nationals. i lost a lot of friendships and made so many new ones. and then before i knew it, college was half over.

junior year was one of the hardest years of my life. and i think one of the reasons it was so hard was because the people closest to me didn't realize that, or at least i didn't feel as if they tried to help. i had spent the previous summer in orange city with a broken wrist and watching another girl play my position in volleyball. despite the success our team had had my first two years, i always doubted my skills and didn't feel as if i was really that good. and then i broke my wrist and hurt my knee, and was going through a roller coaster of emotions. am i starting this game, am i playing at all, should i get used to the end of the bench? all the doubts i had about my ability was confirmed. so volleyball went terrible for me that year, my friends weren't who i thought they were, and i just felt lost. did anyone know this? probably not. i might have made some of my most fun memories that year, but it was still probably one of the hardest years i've ever had.

senior year. wow. i was convinced that this was going to be a great year- i was living with and around 8 new girls, and i was excited about the possibility of these friendships. and it turned out to be amazing. it was so hard not to play volleyball again, especially since one of my roommates was on the team. but i got through it. i coached a 7th grade team, was part of campus ministry team again, spent the previous summer in mississippi, went back down there over spring break, etc. i look back on this past year and cannot believe at how fast it went. i still struggled with a lot. i still made some mistakes--plenty of them. but there were also so many good things. endless nights at p's, watching friends, p90x, cooking dinner together, student teaching, etc. i've had some great friends over the years, but i've never really felt like i had a solid group of girl friends. and first the first time in my life, i knew i had that. kait, jamie, jen, mel, andrea.. you girls are some of the best people i know. brian, stephen, dan.. 7:00 breakfasts were never the same when you weren't there. my soccer boys.. you don't know this, but i love you guys so much. lee.. our friendship is so messed up but so awesome, and i miss you already. mirae, sarah, amy.. thank you for letting me invade on your apartment gatherings :) i love you girls. and there's so many more people. sometimes i don't understand all my random friendships, but i love them. and now i had to move on and leave the place that i loved so much for 4 years. it's not fair.

but life isn't over. as cheesy as it sounds, a new chapter of my life is about to begin. and on one hand, i'm really excited about that. and on the other? it sucks. it sucks a lot.